Things haven't gone well.
Doing good in School.
Tyler and I broke up.

So, we broke up but it was a lie. :SIGH:
How to explain...he was trying to find an excuse to break up with me adfter 2-3 months.
...and he was interested in another girl.

I really did love him...I mean I'm sure...
Spent $100 on his presents for his birthday which I doubt he appreciated. He wanted me to depend on him...let him in and stop being so closed off and selfless...but he just proved to me any guy I love will leave me.

I open up more on here then anything else I'm sure of that.

I felt a pain in my chest when we broke up...and lately I just...vanished...
I never realized how far I go for love...
I don't have the heart to delete any of the photos with my ex...
Theres many things I need to take care of.

I realized I had a weight problem when I started taking diet pills laxatives and just...ugh...I hate crying its so disgusting to me that is.
I'd binge. Just eat all i wanted weekends and weekdays i wouldn't.
I'd take laxatives, diet pills, hell I wouldn't eat much just once or twice...

How Much did I weigh last week after the breakup?
99lbs.
How much do I weigh now?
105lbs
How much do I know I'll weigh tomorrow after all the laxatives I just took?
Less more then likely.

My self esteem is more then shot.
Looking at my body I'm just grossed out. I'm a size 3 in pants. I'm a Medium in shirts thanks to these huge ugly boobs. I hate it...I find myself dressing up and wearing makeup the after effect? I try not to cry.

I'll be honest. I tried to kill my self. Not just because of the break up, but because I can't piece myself up together anymore...I really truly can't.
I don't care about my body much anymore.
Things happen to it. Its just flesh. When I had sex twice...I just laid there like detattched from my body wondering why my ex enjoyed it so much and I just counted down the time faking it. He didn't hold my hand kiss me much during...I just laid there....I put in all the work and got noting back in return.
Woah...this is long.

Its funny to me.
I'm publicly admitting this when I haven't really admitted to my family how damaged I am...
Heres whats funnier.

I have an eating disorder or something and its not bothering me. I'm going off daydreaming more and more. I get bruises or cuts and I don't feel the pain anymore...but hearing about my looks or more importantly my Ex. I break down inside...just feel that pain in my chest focus and laugh.

I'm so cruel. I know that I thought how amazing and perfect he Is and he may have been the wrong person to love...but how more amazing and how my world will stop being upside down will it be when that right person to love comes?

I don't think it'll happen...I'm just going to let myself fall apart until I figure out why when I try to do someting for me...everything just turns rancid.

I really wish I died when my heart broke.